Conflicted

I forget that when a normal person gets a chest cold, they recover fairly quickly. But when I come down with one, it's really bad news.   Coughing so much that I have to have pain medicine for my back and chest.  Breathing becomes very labored, so much that I am gasping and asking God to help me breathe or take me home.  The chills and fever, loss of interest in anything and everything.  The inability to find happiness in anything.  Having to depend on others for every need, even standing up, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, because any little activity causes loss of the ability to breathe.  Then the cycle starts all over.

This is so conflicting for me.  I want to be able to rise above it and say Christ is enough, to glorify Him in every detail of my life.  But when I'm struggling for my next breath my mind is only on me.

This afternoon, I am somewhat better, yet not where I was before.  But God has directed me to these verses for comfort.  They are simple truths to hang onto when my mind won't focus..

Deut. 31:8 .....The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Ps. 63:8....My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Ps. 73:23...Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. 

His truths do not change with my changing circumstances.  On the contrary, He is before me in those valleys, leading the way with His lantern for me to see Him on the path ahead of me, but not allowing me to see what's beyond that.  Teaching me to trust Him when I cannot see or understand.

"I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know; in paths that they have not known, I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light and the rough places into level ground."
 Is. 42:16  

Friends, I know I have shared these scriptures before.  I share them again now because they are the only Solid Rock  I can find to stand on in very difficult days like these past 3-4 have been.

And honestly, quoting them to myself sometimes helps and sometimes doesn't.  All depends on whether I'm struggling to breathe.  

But their truth is objective, real, the only real hope I have in this world.  The only real hope anyone can have, because it's unchanging, just like HE is.  And after the storm, I again find a place to stand.

Tonight (now that I"m resting somewhat better) I'm thankful for His mercies that are new every morning.  LORD, please teach me and show me how to trust YOU at these even deeper levels of darkness YOU have called me to.

"This God - His way is perfect."  Ps. 18:30