God has directed me, through some things I have been reading, to Is. 45:3. It has captured my thoughts and I want to know more of it.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches from secret places. so that you may know that I, Yahweh, the God of Israel, call you by your name."
Sometimes when I am at a new level of darkness (for me this means learning that my disease has progressed or having to come face-to-face again with the fact that I really am seriously ill), I am left with nothing to hold on to. My sinful self wants to hold on to hope, which I don't have at that moment, hold on to my husband, who cannot really do anything about my disease, hold on to my other family members, who also cannot improve my physical condition, hold on to food, to music-making, which will be hampered if this disease begins to affect my fingers, etc. But these are all shifting and fallible - like quicksand.
So, as you can see, God pulls all these props out from under me, and puts me in a place of darkness where there is literally NOTHING I can rely on or stand on - except Him. I want something else, but He gives me Himself. He reminds me of His love for me, that He calls me by my name - knows ME intimately - and He leads me back to that pasture of His love and comfort.
I find treasures in the darkness, and riches in secret places. He takes me to places I have not been before, where it's dark, but then He shows me that HE is there. And there is a sweetness that is hard to describe.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, sweetest name I know.
Fills my every longing, keeps me singing as I go."
The treasures and the riches I find are things I would not have otherwise known, had He not put me in these places.
Yes - I would have it differently if I could. But He knows exactly what is good for me, in the perfect time, in the perfect way - His time and His way.
Oh, precious Lord Jesus, keep showing me more of Yourself. I love You but my love is so weak and so cold compared to what You are worthy of. Please continue to mold and shape my heart into what it should be. Whatever methods You choose to use, I submit to Your wisdom, not always willingly, but it is ultimately what I want.
"When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ, the Solid Rock, I stand; all other ground is sinking sand."